


The Madness of Love

by cat613



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: "Amok Time", Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Fights, M/M, One Shot, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 22:09:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12045291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cat613/pseuds/cat613
Summary: The Episode "Amok Time" from Spock's perspective





	The Madness of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This work probably could have been rated teen but I was a little paranoid about the fighting and some of the explicit day dreams.
> 
> Since this is about Spock going insane I have him trying to keep his control but also loosing his control, you'll see that as he goes back and forth with McCoy's name and his inconsistent thoughts.
> 
> About 90% of this is all from the episode (which I do not own or have any rights to) and I mostly just added in the Spock/McCoy relationship in between the scenes and dialogue. And the Vulcan word spelling I got from the Vulcan Language Dictionary on line. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> ahn'wun - a rope like weapon
> 
> Lirpa - a staff with a fan-shaped blade on one end and a club on the other end
> 
> Ku'nut'kali'fee - mating or challenge
> 
> Kal'i'farr - marriage 
> 
> Kroikah - stop (immediately)
> 
> Kal'i'fee - challenge
> 
> (I edited and fixed the typos on 9/25/17 and 11/26/17 and 8/28/2018)

It is unfortunate that I could not be spared the ancient drives, a pity that I must suffer not only the growing turmoil inside my mind, but now I must also suffer the agonizing burning in my body. As if the longing I felt for McCoy wasn’t bad enough as of late now the coming Pon Farr was making my desires for him worse.

I couldn’t sleep; I would dream of McCoy and myself in…erotic and compromising positions. So for the third consecutive night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling repeating my erroneous follies in my mind.

How McCoy tried to flirt with me when we first met, how he used to smile at me more often and more easily, and how he asked me out a few months after that…and I thought of how I rejected him. I rejected him because I had a deep affection for Jim…

Jim, whose eyes sent electricity up my spine, Jim who accepted me as I was, who smiled at me and I could refuse him nothing.

I remembered how McCoy tried to warn me that my affections were wasted on Jim. I remembered how I accused him of interfering and abusing his professional boundaries by making such assumptions as to intrude on my personal life…and I remembered how I attempted to have him transferred to another ship.

I should have listened to him.

It wasn’t until we went back in time to retrieve McCoy from Earth’s past that I finally understood that Jim would never want me.

I explained to Jim that we may have to allow Ms. Edith Keeler to die in order to set history back to rights, and he said he was in love with her. A whole different time and place, alone together, for all intents and purposes abandoned and alone together…and he still falls in love with someone else, another woman among a growing string of woman, and all of them gone because he was married to his captain’s chair and a ship named _Enterprise_.

I finally gave up all hope of ever being with Jim then.

I recovered from my disillusionment and slowly began to notice McCoy…

How intelligent he was, how dazzling his eyes where when he discovered something new or interesting, how wonderful he smelled after taking a long hot shower late in the evening, how amazing he moved after a workout session, and how…attractive he was when he bent over his reports and experiments.

And then we went to Deneva, I lost my eyesight, and then fortunately it came back…and the first thing I saw was McCoy, McCoy and his beautiful, wonderful eyes. It was…life changing.

But now it was too late, my plans of speaking with Jim on how to best handle this new situation, my hopes of finding a way to convince McCoy to go out on a date with me, all gone. Burned to ash, much the same way my insides were feeling recently. And yet my fevers and fits were nothing compared to the pain of what I had to do yesterday.

McCoy had noticed my odd behavior (McCoy always noticed when I was acting strangely) and he, of course, suggested that I come in for an exam.

“You will cease to pry into my personal matters, Doctor, or I shall certainly break your neck” I had told him.

I had to, he was too close, and he looked far too…alluring. In the state I was in I could have said anything…done anything…to him. I had to be rough and dangerous with him or he would have gotten closer, close enough to seize him, to hold him down, he would be so easy to overpower, so easy to take…

The burning was growing intense again, and for the second time in only a few hours I was taking a cold shower all over again.

<><><><><>

I tried to work on reports in my cabin that day, but everything in my vision swam together to create images of McCoy, the lines on the pages turning into the long attractive lines on his back and legs, the spaces between the letters turned into his glowing eyes and bright smile…the fever was getting worse.

Ms. Chapel came in about then carrying a tray of soup – plomeek soup – for me…

“What is this!? I yelled.

She looked at me with a frightened look on her face and dashed out the door. I threw the bowl at the wall and continued to yell.

“Don’t keep prying. If I want anything from you I’ll ask for it!”

Harsh I know, but if my mind slips out of my control any further no one will be same from me for long.

I turned then and saw Jim and Leonard standing there looking at me…No! No, not Leonard – McCoy…I have to remember that.

“Captain,” I said trying to control myself as best I could “I should like to request a leave of absence on my home planet. On our present course you can divert to Vulcan with the loss of but 2.8 light days.”

“Spock,” Jim said as he stepped closer to me not entirely believing what he was seeing “what the devil is this about?” he asked concerned.

“I have made my request Captain, all I require from you is that you answer it – yes or no” I replied more severely than was necessary, before going back into my cabin. A few moments later Jim came walking in.

“All right, Spock, let’s have it” he said firmly.

“It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers” I replied.

It is especially dangerous for a woman who has expressed interest in me to be expressing that interest at this particular time.

“I’m more interested in your request for shore leave” Jim rectified “in all the years…”

“You have my request Captain” I said interrupting his speech “will you grant it or not?”

“In all the years that I’ve known you, you’ve never asked for any shore leave of any sort, in fact you’ve refused them, why now?”

“Captain, surely I have enough leave time accumulated” I said trying to evade his question.

“Agreed, but that isn’t the question, is it?” he paused and when he continued his voice was softer and more sympathetic “If there’s a problem of some sort? An illness in the family…”

“No, nothing of that nature, Captain” I said trying to reassure some of his concerns.

“Then, since we’re headed for Altair Six, and since the shore facilities there are excellent…”

“No! I must…”

I must get off the ship and away from McCoy, but I must also get back to Vulcan if I am to have any chance of living.

“I wish to take my leave on Vulcan” I said, trying my best to sound calm.

Jim moves closer to me and I tense. He’s close enough for me to hit him, close enough for me to hurt him…hurt him for not wanting me…hurt him for drawing me further away from McCoy. Close enough for me to choke him for making McCoy laugh so frequently and so easily, close enough to break the arm I see resting on McCoy’s shoulders all too often.

He has to give me my shore leave on Vulcan, he has to, and soon.

“Spock,” he says all too softly and worriedly “I’m asking, what’s wrong?”

“I need…” I need McCoy; I need his hands, his lips. I need him lying on my bed with his legs spread out and his eyes glazed over in ecstasy. ‘Kroikah!’ my mind screamed out in defiance of my flesh. “…rest” I finally said in reply to Jim’s question “I’m asking you to accept that answer.” I asked just short of pleading.

Jim looks me over and then walks over to my computer. “Bridge…helm” he orders the computer.

“Yes, Captain?” Sulu answered.

“Alter course to Vulcan. Increase speed to warp four” he ordered.

“Aye Sir” Sulu replied without question.

“Thank you, Captain” I say in utter relief.

“I suppose most of us overlook the fact that even Vulcans aren’t indestructible” Jim says smiling in his familiar and friendly way before leaving.

“No,” I said as I tried to still my shaking hand “we’re not.”

<><><><><>

With the knowledge that I would soon be on Vulcan and copious amounts of meditation my fever was more manageable. Until I heard Lt. Uhura say there was a priority message coming in…

“On audio Lieutenant” Jim ordered.

“To Captain, U.S.S _Enterprise_ from Starfleet” the message said from the communication computers “inauguration ceremonies on Altair Six have been advanced seven solar days. You are ordered to alter your flight plan as filed to accommodate, by order of Komack, Admiral, Starfleet Command, acknowledge.”

“Lieutenant acknowledge that message” Jim ordered.

“Aye, aye sir” Uhura replied.

“Mr. Chekov, compute course and speed necessary for compliance” Jim ordered as he walked over to my station.

“We’ll have to head directly there at, uh…warp six, Sir” Chekov answered “insufficient time to stop off at Vulcan.”

He said the words so calmly and matter-of-factly but they rang like a death toll in my ears.

“Head directly for Altair Six” Kirk commanded before turning his attention to me. “Sailor’s luck, Mr. Spock, or as one of Finagle’s laws puts it ‘any home port the ship makes will be somebody else’s not mine’. The new president of Altair Six wants to get himself launched a week early, so we have to be there a week early. Don’t worry I’ll see to it that you get your leave as soon as we’re finished.”

“I…quite understand Captain” was all I said…what else could I say? …

<><><><><>

I tried waiting until it was more convenient for me to return to Vulcan. But the dreams became more and more intimate and erotic; my fever would come and go with extreme intensity, and…

McCoy looked more and more beautiful every time I looked at him. My hands itched to touch him, stroke his hair, caress his skin…rip off his clothes, violate him in the empty cargo holds, mark him and take him in a dozen different ways…

My control was slipping faster than I ever thought possible. Something had to be done; McCoy wasn’t going to be safe around me for long…no one would. Something had to be done, something, anything.

“Mr. Spock, come with me please” Jim said in a commanding tone, and I left my station to follow him into the turbo lift.

“Deck five” Jim ordered the computer and Jim waited for the lift to comply before he spoke. “You changed course for Vulcan Mr. Spock, why?”

“Changed the course?” I asked a little more shakily than I had meant to.

“Do you deny it?” Jim asked accusingly.

“No. No, by no means, Captain. It is quite possible” I said trying to remember when I could have done such a thing.

“Then why did you do it?” Jim asked confused, and just a little anxiously.

“Captain, I accept, on your word, that I did it, but I do not know why, nor do I remember doing it” I said only partially lying.

And that realization was the final straw. McCoy wasn’t safe from me, Jim’s safety was precarious, I was doing things to effect the ship without my knowledge, and now I was lying to my friend…logic and pride had to be set aside…

“Captain, lock me away, I do not wish to be seen” I begged desperately “I c-cannot no Vulcan could explain further.”

“I’m trying to help you Spock” Jim said sounding almost as desperate as I did.

“Ask me no further questions. I will not answer” I said with all the conviction and control I had in me.

Jim’s eyes showed the betrayal he felt and then just as quickly they became firm and determined with his next course of action.

“I order you to report to sickbay” he said decisively.

“Sickbay?” I repeated breathlessly and weakly.

Sickbay, where I would see Leonard, hear his voice, have his eyes focused solely on me, his hands…

“Complete examination” Jim went on “McCoy is waiting.”

And with those words all my mental reasoning and control left me completely. My mind became hazy and my body betrayed me…

I left the turbo lift to go to Leonard, to claim what was mine.

No! No, I can’t do that, it would be wrong. I have to go back to my quarters, so I turned to leave in the direction that would take me away from sickbay.

The Captain ordered me to go to the Doctor, I cannot disobey his orders, and Jim would become even more suspicious than ever if I don’t go. I have to turn around and go to sickbay.

My mind spun back and forth between going to sickbay and going to my quarters. But finally I stepped into sickbay…only to be greeted with the sight of Leonard bending over a medical PADD…

Leonard, no, no McCoy, McCoy turned around “Oh, come in Spock I’m all ready for you” he said as he walked over to the bio bed.

His position and wording sent my fever spiking and my nerves rattling. ‘He did not mean it in that way, you must calm down’ I tried to say to myself in order to reduce my fever.

“My orders were to report to sickbay, Doctor” I said with every ounce of control I had left in me “I have done so. And now I’ll go to my quarters” I finished and attempted to leave, but Leonard – McCoy stopped me.

“My orders were to give you a thorough physical. In case you hadn’t noticed I have to answer to the same commanding officer that you do” he said forcefully, but as he looked at me his eyes and his tone softened. “Come on Spock” he said gently as he placed his hand on my arm “yield to the logic of the situation.”

The softness of his eyes, the gentle curve of his mouth, the warmth of his voice, and the enticing hold he had on my arm all combined to send my mind into a fog…I could deny him nothing…not anything.

“Examine me, for all the good it’ll do either of us” I said as I laid down on the bio bed.

I was tipped back and Leonard – McCoy ran test after test. He was so beautiful in his element. His hands running over the buttons with a grace I seldom ever paid attention to. His gorgeous eyes running over the results trying to decode what they were saying. His body so close I could feel the warmth of his long lean body and smell the intoxicating sent of his skin and cologne. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to dent the bio bed I was gripping so tightly in hopes of keeping myself from snatching Leonard and whisking him off to my cabin.

Once Leonard – McCoy was through he dismissed the orderly and went over the results at his desk, I went to sit at his desk with him.

“Spock…these results,” he looked away from the computer and turned to face me with the most devastated and upset expression that I nearly went to him…to hold him, to sooth away the worry on his face, and comfort him in my arms… "Spock these results say that your hormones are so irregular and ample that they’re bordering on toxic" he finished in disbelief.

“I know” I said simply, unable to deny his findings but not able to elaborate further.

“Spock if this keeps up your hormones will become so toxic to your system that they’ll end up killing you!” he said becoming increasingly erratic.

“I know” I said wishing with every fiber of my being that I could explain everything to him.

“Spock…what’s going on?” he asked, his eyes pleading with me desperately.

“I…I cannot say” I told him as I made for the door as quickly as possible.

“Spock!” Leonard yelled as he held my arm.

I swiftly grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him up against the wall. The gods above help me but he looked stunning. His eyes were wide with shock, his mouth slightly ajar with unspoken worries and belated concerns, and his hands, his hands were holding on to my upper arms, squeezing them just enough for me to be aware of their presence. I stepped toward him, our chests barley touching and stared down at his delicious mouth.

“Spock?”

I looked up from his lips and looked into his eyes. It was horrible, simply horrible. He was petrified…of me…

I stepped back and released him before quickly leaving for my cabin…before I did something truly regrettable.

<><><><><>

Back in my quarters I sat at my computer looking at two different pictures on my computer. One was of T’Pring, my intended, when she was seven-years-old…and my last chance to save myself from death. The other was of McCoy standing near me at a diplomatic event staring at me warmly and smiling hopefully and openly…and to my shame I was staring off in the distance…at Jim. The pictures changed after that, McCoy stayed close to Jim or far away from me, his smile was polite and kind but there was no warmth to it, and his eyes didn’t have the same spark to them that they used to.

I went back and forth between those two pictures. The one of McCoy staring at me longingly and T’Pring, if I had accepted Leonard’s – McCoy’s proposal to start dating that day I would be marrying him on Vulcan instead of her. T’Pring and I were a…reasonable match, but we had not seen each other since the day our minds were locked together. I suspect my half human blood was a repellent for her even though she had never conveyed as much. A divorce would not be out of the question, but her parents would have to contact my parents or myself to request such a thing and they have never contacted us. She could divorce me by the kal’i’fee if she found another suitor, which I was expecting to happen to some degree. I could have divorced her myself some years ago if I had ever found the right partner…But it was too late…

I did not have McCoy and T’Pring was my last chance. I would either marry her or I would die in combat. I have to admit given the option of marrying her or dying I would much rather marry a stranger, but the thought of dying in combat did not frighten me as much as I would have thought…at least I will die with honor that way, I would have a Vulcan’s death. Such a thought nearly elicited pride within me.

I looked at the picture of Leonard one more time before returning to the picture of T’Pring…to my future…no matter what that future may be.

<><><><><>

Jim came in around then and, although I did not wish to explain everything, I gave in and told him what was happening, everything that is except for my desire to be with McCoy instead of T’Pring. I explained that I must return home to take a wife or die.

“I haven’t heard a word you said, and I’ll get you to Vulcan…somehow” he said as he rushed out of my quarters and off to move mountains to save me, the way he always did.

The few hours after that were a bit of a blur. I turned back to all the pictures I had of Leonard – McCoy on my computer. I studied every one of them until they were burned into my mind. Finally I looked over at my private safe. In that safe was a file that I kept of McCoy that Jim gave to me to ‘get rid of’, a file I had no right keeping and no logical reason for having. I punched in the code to open it up and pulled out the data file that was encrypted twice over, and only I had the two passwords that would decrypt it and allow two pictures to come up on a computer or holo projector. I typed in those passwords now and pulled up two pictures of Leonard – McCoy that I could never admit to having…

The first picture was of McCoy lying down on one of the couches in rec room three, one arm resting over his eyes, the other resting on his stomach, one leg bent up and resting on the back of the couch, and his other leg stretched out long and relaxed.

Jim took that picture of McCoy as proof that he was ‘always lying down on the job’. When Leonard – McCoy heard Jim say that he smiled and started laughing despite how tired he was. Jim took another picture just then, Leonard in the same position but smiling so beautifully and irresistibly…

Jim handed me the camera with the pictures and told me to send them to him on his personal computer and then get rid of them, Jim explained that he wished to send them to Leonard with a ‘snarky’ comment before he erased them.

And then he walked off with yet another woman, while I was left with two very alluring pictures of Leonard.

I went off and did as he asked; I sent him the two pictures and was preparing to erase them, but the longer I looked at them the more entranced I found myself. I looked at them, studied them, marveled at them until it was quite some time later. I finally made the decision to transfer the pictures to a data disk and encrypted them with as much coding as I thought was necessary and put it into my personal safe.

From that day on they stayed locked away, my own personal little secret that I hoped no one would ever find out. They stayed locked away…until now.

Now those images were on my computer, mocking me, showing me what I could have had so long ago if I wasn’t so blind. I studied those pictures over and over, memorizing the lovely lines of his stunning figure…and the lines of his gorgeous smile…that caused my heart to beat in my side a little faster, and my fever to spike again.

I went to sit down and play my lyre, hoping the familiar cords and strings I learned to play in my youth would calm my erratic emotions. I played while I looked at that haunting image on my computer, my own personal demons chastising me, and the picture on my computer calling to me like the sirens of the ancient Greeks.

I heard the bosun whistle on my intercom as if it was on the other side of the ship instead of on the other side of the room.

“Communication to Mr. Spock, Lt. Uhura here” the voice said from very far away “Captain Kirk wanted me to tell you…”

“Let me alone” I said, though I cannot be sure if I was saying it to Uhura or if I was saying it to the haunting voices I was hearing. “Let me alone!” I said again as I crushed the computer on my desk…the one with the pictures of Leonard on it.

All at once the room was frighteningly silent…The pictures! I went over to the slot I had inserted the file disk in and pulled it out. And thankfully it was undamaged, and the other pictures I had backed up to one of the main computers. I breathed easier at that thought. I could not lose those pictures, it wasn’t logical, there would be other pictures of Leonard – McCoy and I would be with T’Pring, but I could not bear to part with these…I simply couldn’t.

All at once I felt lightheaded and tired, and I laid down…dreaming of Leonard once again.

<><><><><>

It was some time later and I could just make out the image of Nurse Chapel hovering over me, and then she walked away.

“Ms. Chapel” I called out to her.

I shouldn’t do this…I shouldn’t get close to her just so I could smell Leonard – McCoy on her clothes, smell the same disinfectant wash on her skin that I would always smell on him…

“Yes Mr. Spock?” she asked as she stopped by the rooms pass through doorway.

“I had a most startling dream. You were trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear you” I said as I went over to her.

She turned to face me.

“It would be illogical for us to protest our natures. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t understand” she said drops of water rolling down her face…what was this?

“Your face is wet” I said as I wiped away the strange liquid from her face.

“I came to tell you that we are bound for Vulcan, we’ll be there in just a few days” she said in a shaky voice.

“Vulcan”

Jim did it, I would live…with T’Pring…

“Ms. Chapel” I said as she was about to leave.

“My name is Christine” she said sounding even more shaken then before.

“Yes, I know, Christine…” it was illogical but I was suddenly overcome with feelings of guilt, and a longing for reconciliation. “Would you make me some of that plomeek soup?” I asked with no other ideas then that.

“Oh, I’d be very glad to do that Mr. Spock” she said happily as she went off to make me some more soup.

<><><><><>

One bowl of soup and a few days later and we were nearing orbit over Vulcan.

Jim, Leonard – McCoy and I went into the lift together and Jim ordered the lift to take us to the bridge.

“It is obvious that you have surmised my problem, Doctor. My compliments on your insight” I said as the close proximity to him compelled me to notice every good and decent thing about him. “Captain, there is a thing that happens to Vulcan's at this time, almost an insanity, which you would no doubt find distasteful.” I said changing the subject before I said something damning.

“Will I?” Jim asked smiling mischievously “you’ve been most patient with my kinds of madness.”

And this is why I grew to think of him as my brother, he was always so relaxed and understanding of all my…quarks.

“Then would you beam down to the planet’s surface with me?” I asked optimistically “There is a brief ceremony” I explained.

“Is it permitted?” Jim asked.

“It is my right” I explained “by tradition the male is accompanied by his closest friends.”

“Thank you Mr. Spock” he said in a delighted tone.

I turned to Leonard – McCoy, and I shouldn’t do this but I was desperate…desperate to have him close to me. Despite the turmoil he caused me at night in my dreams, when I was close to him, his presence would always calm my erratic behavior.

“I also request McCoy to accompany me” I said looking at him pleadingly.

“I shall be honored sir” he said sounding even more delighted then Jim had.

I prayed his honor would remain intact long after this ordeal…

We left the lift and walked on the bridge.

“Captain, we’re standing by on Vulcan hailing frequencies, sir” Uhura announced.

“Open a channel Lieutenant” Jim ordered. “Vulcan Space Central this is the U.S.S _Enterprise_ , requesting permission to assume standard orbit” he formally requested as protocol dictated.

“U.S.S _Enterprise_ from Vulcan Space Central” a technician answered back over the channel “permission granted and from all of Vulcan welcome. Is Commander Spock with you?”

“This is Spock” I answered.

“Stand by to activate your central viewer, please” he announced before signing off.

“Doctor what’s going on?” Ms. Chapel asked before McCoy motioned for her to be quiet.

That is when she appeared on the screen…

“Spock, it is I” she said coolly and calmly.

“T’Pring” I said in relief, if only for the fact that now I had a chance to live “Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. We meet at the appointed place” I said as I was taught by the elders and my parents.

“Spock, parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched, I await you” she replied back in the customary response.

“She’s lovely Mr. Spock, who is she?” Uhura asked.

“She is T’Pring…my wife” I answered all too aware of the shock and confusion I had caused everyone on the bridge.

<><><><><>

Not long afterward Jim, Leonard – McCoy and I beamed down to the planet’s surface. I lead them to the entrance by the pillars of rock and took in the lovely scenery.

“This is the land of my family” I explained as they followed me “it has been held by us for 2,000 Earth years. This is our place of ku'nut'kali'fee.”

I left them at the entrance to talk and went over to ring the gong to announce my arrival.

“I wonder when his T’Pring arrives?” Leonard asked Jim as I walked back over to them.

His words sent a painful stab of emotions to my heart, and I wondered if I could stand the reality of my situation much longer.

“The marriage party approaches, I hear them” I said with a mixture of dread and relief.

“Marriage party? You said T’Pring was your wife.” Jim asked confused.

“By our parent’s arrangement” I explained “a ceremony, while we were but seven years of age, less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal. One touches the other in order to feel each other’s thoughts. In this way, our minds were locked together so that at the proper time, we would both be drawn to ku'nut'kali’fee”

I did not explain that I could have another partner if I had found a more suitable one, but there would be no point…it was far too late for such a thing as wishful thinking…much too late I thought remorsefully as I looked at Leonard and then went back over to ring the gong again. This was it; there was no turning back now.

T’Pau entered along with the rest of the marriage party. T’Pau and I saluted each other and then I stepped forward to allow her to touch my mind. She could see that the fever was bad and becoming worse, but that did not stop her from noticing my choice in companions.

“Spock, are our ceremonies for out-worlders?” She asked calmly but disapprovingly.

“They are not out-worlders. They are my friends, I am permitted this” I said hoping she would not make either of them leave.

T’Pau motioned for Jim and Leonard to come forward, and they approached her with all the confidence and respect of Starfleet officers.

“This is Kirk” I said in introductions, hoping his captain’s uniform would speak for his character and honor, and his respect for our ways.

“Ma’am” Jim said as he bowed formally and respectfully.

I could not introduce Leonard, my longing for him would have been clear to all in my voice and my affection for him would be obvious, and considering how dark my mind was becoming I could not afford to give T’Pring any reason to leave me.

“And thee are called?” T’Pau asked when I could not form the words to introduce my other…friend.

“Leonard McCoy Ma’am” he said simply and politely.

It always amazed me how humble he was about his medical position…many things about Leonard still amazed me…I wish I could have had more time to be amazed by him…

“Thee names these out-worlders friends?” T’pau’s question roused my thoughts back to the here and now. “How does thee pledge their behavior?” she asked very seriously.

“With my life T’Pau” I said just as seriously.

Satisfied with my answer she started the ceremony.

“What thee are about to see comes from the time of the beginning, without change. This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way. Kal’i’farr” she announced as bells rang and she points to the gong.

I walked over to ring the gong and seal my fate, but T’Pring stopped me.

“Kal’i’fee” she says powerfully and rigidly.

I turned back to T’Pau and Jim feeling equal parts embarrassment and relief, and then I look at Leonard. This was it, I had a chance to renounce my connection with T’Pring and have Leonard for my husband.

I walked toward him…but I was stopped by a large blade and an even larger man. I was just about ready to force him out of the way so I could get to Leonard when I saw my reflection in the blade. I didn’t look like me, I looked like…a monster or a villain, the demon Jim and Leonard always joked that I looked like. I looked down at the hammer I was holding for the gong, I suddenly felt like a barbarian, ready to go and take what I wanted without any care for who I hurt in the process. I couldn’t do that to Leonard, he didn’t deserve such a fate.

I dropped the hammer and went off to the side to await my opponent…who would no doubt be the death of me…

I couldn’t hear what the others were saying, I was too deep in the plok tow at this point and soon I wouldn’t be able to hear anything but my own need to mate…or die trying.

“Spock!” T’Pau’s voice, I could barely make it out but it was her calling to me. “Does thee accept the challenge, according to our laws and customs?” she asked.

I didn’t want to, if she wanted another I would have just as soon let her go, and I would rather be dead then be forced to live in a loveless relationship without Leonard…but my instinct to live and survive was stronger than any of those longings. So, with no other choice left to me I nodded in agreement.

T’Pring spoke the appropriate words and walked over towards the group and I thought for sure she would choose the man she had come with, but she didn’t…she chose Jim!

I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t, not with Jim.

“T’Pau” I said as I walked over to her.

“Thee Speaks?” she said in a nearly shocked voice.

“My friend…” it was becoming harder to speak, harder to keep my body in control “he does not understand.”

“The choice has been made, Spock” she said with a nearly regretful tone “It is up to him now.”

“He does not…know. I will do what I must…T’Pau…but not with him! His blood does not burn. He is my friend!” I said trying to plead for my friend’s life.

“It is said, thy Vulcan blood is thin. Are thee Vulcan or are thee human?” she asked her voice bordering on indignation now.

“I burn…T’Pau. My eyes…are flame, my heart…is flame” I said becoming more and more passionate, not only for my heritage but also for Jim. “Thee has the power T’Pau. In the name of my fathers, forbid…forbid! T’Pau, I plead with thee. I beg!”

She had to forbid this, she had too, not much longer now and not even I would be able to resist a fight with him.

“Thee has prided thyself on thy Vulcan heritage” T’Pau said and for a moment I had genuine hope that she would decide against this, but she didn’t “it is decided” she announced.

And with her final decision made my fever consumed me. I felt nothing but rage and bitterness. Rage at T’Pring for choosing my friend, anger at Jim for luring me away from Leonard, and bitterness that it came to this. Me fighting my friend for a woman I did not want, and at the end still being denied the one I truly wanted.

My last hope was in fact Leonard. If anyone could talk Jim out of this, it was Leonard.

The purple sash was tied around my waist and I waited for Jim’s reply.

“It is done” T’Pau said and then turned to face Jim “Kirk decide.”

“I accept the challenge” he said boldly.

“Here begins the act of combat for the possession of the woman T’Pring” T’Pau announced “As it was at the time of the beginning, so it is now. Bring forth the lirpa.”

The lirpa was handed to me and all I could think of was how I would have Leonard right now if it weren’t for him, and now he is standing between me and the only woman that means my life…

“If both survive the lirpa, combat will continue with the ahn’wun” T’Pau said as she stepped off the alter.

“What do you mean ‘if both survive’?” Jim asked nervously.

“This combat is to the death” T’Pau explained.

I waited for the word to begin, all the time my madness was growing more and more hysterical.

“Now, wait a minute ma’am who said anything about a fight to the death?” Jim asked turning to T’Pau.

“These men are friends” Leonard said stepping up to help defend Jim…to save Jim… “To force them to fight until one of them is killed …”

“I can forgive such a display only once” T’Pau said and then a guard stepped forward and held his blade close to Leonard’s neck.

My grip on the lirpa tightened. If he did not remove his blade within the next few seconds it was not Jim who would die today.

“Challenge was given and lawfully accepted” T’Pau said severely “It has begun, let no one interfere.”

And with that the guard removed his blade and stepped back – which was incredibly fortunate for him. The fighting had officially begun with T’Pau’s last words but I waited for Jim to step forward, away from Leonard, and I waited until Leonard was safely out of the way…and then we fought.

We fought and I was thrilled at the opportunity. The opportunity to pay him back for taking me away from Leonard, to hurt him for hurting me, and to make him hurt for the closeness he had with Leonard that I was never going to have.

I slashed his shirt and chest and suddenly the air was filled with the scent of his iron based blood. We fought, and Jim got the upper hand at one point by flipping me over, but I hit him back…over and over again.

Finally he went down to the ground with no hope of surviving.

I was just about to strike the final blow, but just then I heard Leonard’s voice breaking through my madness.

“Spock! No!” he yelled out desperately.

My hands faltered after hearing his plea and my weapon went into the ground instead of into Jim’s chest. Suddenly I was open for an attack by Jim who sent me flying off to the side and away from my weapon. I got up and was about to kill him with my bare hands for invoking such a passionate plea from the man I loved…

But T’Pau called out “Kroikah!” and just like that everything was still and deadly silent.

I saw Leonard step over to T’Pau out of the corner of my eye and his voice filled my ears.

“Is this Vulcan chivalry? The air’s too hot and thin for Kirk. He’s not used to it”

Leave it to my Leonard to make an emotional and illogical argument at the most inopportune time.

“The air is the air what can be done?” T’Pau asked, clearly expecting that to be the end of the conversation.

But I knew Leonard, and that was not going to be the end of the conversation at all.

“I can compensate for the atmosphere and the temperature with this” he said as he held up a hypo spray “at least it’ll give Kirk a fighting chance!”

“Thee may proceed” T’Pau said allowing Leonard into the battlefield.

My anger grew deeper and stronger as he looked over to me and then went over to Jim…giving Jim his attention, giving Jim aid…

“You’re going to have to kill him, Jim” Leonard said in a hushed tone.

“Kill Spock? That’s not what I came to Vulcan for is it? What’s that?” he asked as Leonard gave him the hypo.

“It’s a tri-ox compound, it’ll help you breathe. Now be careful!” he said…as he touched Jim's arm!

“Sound medical advice” Jim said as Leonard walked out of the arena.

And that is when my anger reached a whole new level of intensity. Not only do I not have Leonard because of him now Leonard was touching him right in front of me.

“The ahn’wun” T’Pau announced and I was handed the weapon.

I looked over and saw that Jim had no idea what to do with the thing…that meant that I had the advantage.

We fought again. We struggled and I had him over the burning coals, I nearly had him in as much pain as seeing him and Leonard together had pained me…he struggled against me though and he got away from the coals, but I would not be deterred…I wanted revenge for all the harm he had caused me…I don’t remember how I managed it but I got the ahn’wun wrapped around his neck, and I squeezed and I squeezed.

“Kroikah!” T’Pau called out and only then did I stop squeezing and saw that my friend wasn’t moving.

“Kroikah!” T’Pau calls again and suddenly my fever breaks, and the weight of my actions fall heavily on me.

Leonard – McCoy came running over to us.

“Get your hands off of him Spock!” McCoy says as he pushes me out of the way to unwrap the ahn’wun from around Jim’s neck. “It’s finished” he said as he knelt over Jim’s motionless body. “He’s dead.”

“I grieve with thee” T’Pau said softly to McCoy…and to me…

McCoy got out his communicator and hailed the ship.

“McCoy to _Enterprise_.”

“ _Enterprise_ , Lt. Uhura here.”

“Have the transporter room stand-by to beam up landing party” he said before getting up and walking over to me. “As strange as it may seem, Mr. Spock, You’re in command now, any orders?”

How could he be so calm and emotionless right now? Perhaps he was in some form of shock. I was feeling myself succumb to shock, and a deep numbness consuming me…I wanted to mourn, but there was business to attend to.

“Yes, I’ll follow you up in a few minutes. You will instruct Mr. Chekov to plot a course for the nearest Starbase where I must surrender myself to the authorities” I said, silently wondering if he would ever be able to forgive me.

McCoy beamed up and I went about satisfying my curiosity.

“T’Pring, explain” I ordered more than asked.

“Specify” she said.

“Why the challenge and why you chose my captain as your champion?” I asked.

“Stonn wanted me and I wanted him” she said.

I looked over at Stonn, he did have more Vulcan blood than me but other than that he seemed to be as regular a male Vulcan as I was.

“I see no logic in preferring Stonn over me” I said honestly.

“You have become much known among our people, almost a legend” she explained “and as the years went by, I came to know that I did not want to be the consort of a legend. But by the laws of our people I could only divorce you by the kal’i’fee.” In other word her parents would not let her divorce me. “There was also Stonn who wanted very much to be my consort. And I wanted him. If your captain were victor, he would not want me so I would have Stonn. If you were victor, you would free me because I had dared to challenge, and again I would have Stonn. But if you did not free me, it would be the same for you would be gone. And I would have your name and your property, and Stonn would still be there.”

“Logical, flawlessly logical” I said rather amazed.

“I am honored” she said bowing her head.

“Stonn” I said calling him over “she is yours. After a time you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”

I wanted Jim out of the way so I could have McCoy all to myself and it is defiantly not pleasing to have what I wanted.

“Spock here” I said into my communicator “Stand-by to beam up.”

“Live long T’Pau and prosper” I said saluting her.

“Live long and prosper Spock” she said saluting me in return.

“I shall do neither” I said solemnly “I have killed my captain…and my friend.”

She did not say anything further, but I could see that she understood and felt regret for me.

I walked off to the side flipped open my communicator and gave the order to energize.

<><><><><>

I walked out of the transporter room and went straight to sickbay. I saw Doctor McCoy bending over his desk again, and it suddenly struck me that I would never see him in that position again…if fact after the court martial I would most likely never see him again…

Ms. Chapel saw me and tried to come forward – no doubt to embrace me or comfort me. Thankfully McCoy held her back, and I went on with the unpleasant business that I had to do.

“Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission immediately, of course” I said trying to make this as painless for the both of us as I could.

“Uh, Spock…” McCoy said trying to interrupt me – no doubt for an emotional statement or outburst.

“So I would appreciate your making the final arrangements” I continued trying not to let those words affect me too much.

“Spock, I…”

“Doctor please, let me finish” I had to show him I wasn’t the monster he saw back on Vulcan. “There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty; therefore I intend to offer no defense. Furthermore I shall order Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel.”

“Don’t you think you better check with me first?”

That voice…I turned…

“Captain! Jim!” I couldn’t believe it…

I grabbed him and smiled…actually smiled! However it quickly vanished when I saw that McCoy and Ms. Chapel were standing there watching me – smiling themselves…

I quickly composed myself and attempted to understand what I was seeing.

“I’m…pleased…to see you, Captain. You seem uninjured. I am at somewhat of a loss to understand it, however” I said trying to sound as normal as I could, given the situation.

“Blame McCoy” Jim said smiling over at Leonard – McCoy. “That was no tri-ox compound he shot me with. He slipped in a neuro-paralyzer. Knocked me out…simulated death.”

“Indeed” I said simply while my mind and heart ran faster than ever.

Down on Vulcan T’Pring used flawless logic to get her own way, and contrary to her Leonard used deception to save not only Jim but myself as well. With one shot he saved us both…that thought sent my heart fluttering and my vision turned hazy. I think…I think I was experiencing love…

“Nurse, would you mind, please?” McCoy said as he gently ushered Ms. Chapel out of the room…a small part of me wished that Jim would leave with her so I could kiss Leonard then and there…

But, my logic buried that urge away, and my longing to make sure Jim was truly alright came to the forefront for now.

McCoy made sure that the door was closed before turning to me.

“Spock, what happened down there? The girl? The wedding?” McCoy asked excitedly.

“Ah, yes, the girl. Hmm, most interesting. It must have been the combat. When I thought I had killed the Captain, I’d found I lost all interest in T’Pring. The madness was gone.”

Now all I had to do was figure out a way to show my interest in McCoy without him rejecting the idea…

The Bosun’s whistle at McCoy’s desk sounded and Jim went over to answer it.

“Kirk here” he answered.

“Captain Kirk, message from Starfleet Command, top priority” Uhura said professionally.

“Relay it Lieutenant” Kirk ordered.

“Response to T’Pau’s request for diversion of Enterprise to planet Vulcan hereby approved” She said as if reading the words form a screen instead of saying them word-for-word from the transmission. “Any reasonable delay granted. Komack, Admiral, Starfleet Command.”

“Well, a little late but I’m glad they’re seeing it our way” Jim said grudgingly. “How about that T’Pau? They couldn’t turn her down” he said as he switched communications to the navigation station. “Mr. Chekov lay in a course for Altair Six. Leave orbit when ready, Kirk out.”

I looked over at McCoy, once again totally amazed at his ingenuity…and felt myself falling more deeply in love with him as he looked back at me.

“There’s just one thing, Mr. Spock,” McCoy said with a knowing and mischievous smile “you can’t tell me that when you first saw Jim alive that you weren’t on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would have brought the house down.”

That is precisely what would have happened I’m sure, but I couldn’t give McCoy the satisfaction of knowing that, not that easily anyway…

“Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain” I said casually.

“Yes, Mr. Spock. I understand” Jim said, either to spare my pride…or because he also liked seeing McCoy frustrated.

Either way I’m grateful he was on my side.

“Of course, Mr. Spock, your reaction was quite logical” McCoy said, and that easy acceptance didn’t seem like him at all…

“Thank you, Doctor” I said a little confused.

Jim and I went to leave…

“In a pig’s eye!” McCoy called after us.

Ah, there was the spark of controversy I was beginning to adore more and more.

Jim and I both turned to face McCoy and he looked at us with a knowing look that said that he wasn’t fooled one bit.

“Come on, Spock. Let’s go mind the store” Jim said as he lead the way to the turbo lift, and I reluctantly left McCoy behind to go follow him up to the bridge.

And all the rest of that day and most of that night I spent every moment of my free time planning out how I would approach Leonard about starting a romantic relationship, and if all went well…I would be implementing my plans very soon…


End file.
